A pre Cape Town writing

After finishing a period of my life, relationship, house, job, city and with plans to leave the country, I found myself alone in bed reflecting on my choices. I was trying to stand, or actually lay still and try to feel emotions instead of just over run it. I have been searching, climbing, falling, falling hard, running, climbing again for too long and kind of found my spirit getting cooler. After being called a robot and with the reputation of being “strong”, also called emotionless, I realized I had to do something. Not into the direction of becoming an instable wreck and pity myself for everything, but just allow some feelings, fears and doubts to take space. There I was, alone in bed waiting for a sea of emotions to take over my mind. My mind that was ruling this ship for too long, rationalizing everything I experienced. Feeling was what I wanted. Slowly some feelings dared to take some steps. Feelings that are hard to describe, because to be described they have to go pass the gate way called your thoughts. And thoughts have the habits of adding their own perspective to these feelings. Lacking a better way to express feelings, the experience will be explained with words. There was something probably associated with fear, immediately followed by a feeling of acceptance. Something I would call loneliness or even emptiness. Slightly circling around my heart, not taking over, but like a little breeze. And it was fine, it was fine to feel and not to know what would be the best next step. So, I decided to leave...

Love the life you're living

If you take the metaphor of building and organizing your life like building your home, where does love comes in?

You create space for your friends and family and probably a couple of rooms for your passions and interests. Your living room can be for visitors, and friendly place decorated like how you feel that day. Sometimes spontaneous and fun, the other day relaxed or even sad and confused. Your common visitors can experience your mood immediately and might bring you some flowers if necessary to cheer you up. Or a bottle of wine to enjoy your mood with you. Some attributes in your house might have a fixed place, other things are only going to stay for a while, or might not even enter the front door. Like some people stay forever and others come and go. Other leave a memory, like a painting on the wall. Not taking a lot of space, but always present, like experiences that stay right under your skin. Some people might leave a scarf, like a crack on your wall. Bad or good, they create your house together and both have an equal part in the creation of the character of your house. Sometimes the crack in the wall or a crazy couch gives the house its unique spirit.

If you are building your house, designing what space you want to use for what function and even where you want to build your house, decisions have to be made. You can’t take all the colors and you have limited amount of rooms. Maybe your mother represents your heating and your father represents the walls. Your friends can bring your candles and light and your work can be a room you can open and close. Maybe your work room is overloaded and work stuff is taking over your living room, or maybe even your bedroom.  And maybe you have a house on wheels, and not decided yet where it is going stay. In the end it is your house, and you should decide how, where and with whom you want to built it.

Most of us humans, for a longer or a shorter time, decide to share their lives with others. The question is:  how we fit that in our houses that we started building since born and were we have worked so hard for. Some of them survived tycoons or unwanted visitors or had to redecorate everything after a robbery. Others are built in a nice environment with a strong foundation.  Some even just start (re)building there house and still have to decide what is going to be part of it. Whether you created your own perfect house or just started with designing the foundations, making space for love is a scary thing.

For some love might be leaving your own house, taking some furniture and start your life in the house some ones else has been building. Maybe because you didn’t like your own house and you run away from some rooms in your house you don’t want to open anymore. For other love might be the foundation of the house, where they build the rest of their lives on. Hopefully it is a strong foundation. Others might have built a nice house and if they meet someone with a similar house, they are willing to make some sacrifices and mix until they find a comfortable situation for both. Some will just accept visitors for a short period, only welcome if they act according the house rules. Most of us probably have no clue where to open and close the door on time before love has the chance to make a mess in some of our precious rooms.

As for my own house: Although still under construction and maybe still flying around, I am starting to feel more and more comfortable in it. Starting to get rid of the things that don’t fit me and starting to make a home out of it. Can’t change the basis of it and therefore my front door will always be open. But so glad to have learned a few things last years.  You decide who is welcome, when and until where you let them in. Worship your own house, respect and recognize every part of it, fix the problem areas and let that be all you allow others to do with it. For me, my house is beautiful from the inside and the outside.

From teachers to motivators

The next coming 5 weeks I’m attending a series of meetings at my work focused on creating educational materials. The target is to adapt to existing programmes in a way it fits the level and background of teenage aboriginal girls of a Girls Academy in Australia. During this whole process of going through the materials and methodology I started thinking about the general educational system. The predominant methodology I experienced during my school career is basically based on traditional learning methods. Teacher in front of the class explaining the theories, learners seated two by two trying to concentrate and listen for a full hour. Next hour, exact same routine.

During my University time I took a course called Education & Development. Expecting to hear nothing but praise about what education can do for development. I mean education is the key to development; every child deserves proper education. Who dares to doubt these statements? The first class started with the origin of education in the way we recognize it today, with a classroom, teacher and black board (probably now exchanged for a projection screen or even newer technology). This form of education started to create solidarity, a feeling of belonging to a group or nationality. In short, create some order and structure and make people believe in a common goal and good: building a great nation together. This form of education became today one of the best export products of the world. Go to a random country, choose a remote area and walk into no particular classroom and you will see the exact same picture. It made me question: is this the only way? and a better question: is this the best way to teach?

Going back to my own high school years I remember having problems focusing and concentrating on the class, probably just like any other. Yet, I was one of the lucky ones not experiencing a lot of trouble making it through my high school years. I was able to make up the part I missed, while dreaming during class and not making my homework, by being able to concentrate while studying for my exams. I experienced another side to the story by looking at my older sister, diagnosed as dyslexic. In her case a form in which you can’t think in words, only in visuals. I saw her struggling through her high school getting less and less motivated by the day. Fortunate enough, we had very stimulation parents, both teachers as well, who tried to help her with home work and trying out different methodologies where they could. Very hard discipline, a very strong character and the help of my parents got her a high school diploma. Choosing for a more practical follow-up study in social work showed her how intelligent she actually was, resulting in a CUM LAUDE graduation. Would she have recognized her skills in a different environment, or would she have continued feeling like a dummy. Is this might be happening to a lot of kids for which the current educational method is not matching.

Back to the aboriginal kids I mentioned earlier. Aboriginal people happen to be, like my sister, very visual people. Creating material for them adapted to their exceptional visual skills will make a great contribution to their opportunities and self esteem. So I can only say: way to go SAIE!

Increasing energy levels

A common question of my wise mother: “Why do you have to travel all over the world to find happiness?”. Followed by a good advice: “It’s not a geographical journey, it’s a journey inside you”. Although my mother and I have the kind of relationship in which we can argue about life issues, I have to admit that it makes sense. But for some reason I keep on feeling restless and less inspired back home.

I feel like I am working towards a goal I’m not aiming for. It feels like in Holland we’re working hard to get a good job, to buy a good house, to drive a good car and built a stable home with a nice little garden and a Golden retriever. None of them have, at the moment, any influence on my feeling of happiness. I mean if you have all of that, what is the next stage? Live happily ever after? It kind of reminds me of a story of me and my older sister when we were young. We went to the sandpit with a lot of toys, but afraid of losing them by sharing with other children, we decided to dig a hole, bury our toys and sit on it for the whole afternoon. So, not inspired by that picture of the future, I have to find another source of motivation.

Every now and then, after a good conversation, after meeting interesting people, seeing a fascinating documentary or visiting a special place I find some of the energy back. My head starts filling itself with numerous plans like I refilled my energy levels and pressed the gas pedal all the way down. But after a while I feel like I’m running out of gas and there are not enough gas stations to fill me back up. While during my last visit here in Cape Town I felt my energy levels rising to the top. Can be caused by the fact that it was a new experience or that I met a bunch of great people through the research I was performing. But one thing I can’t ignore is the positive energy I felt and the big smile I had on my face after this trip.

Back here, I experience the same feeling again. This time with six months ahead of me to figure out if it is temporary, or if I really feel more productive, energized, motivated, balanced, open and maybe, more happy. And while my loving family is posting comments on my facebook reminding me to keep some love left for Holland, I’m looking out my office window viewing the table mountain during another sunny day. But who knows, maybe everything becomes ordinary eventually.

If not……… I’m sorry mommy…….