A pre Cape Town writing

After finishing a period of my life, relationship, house, job, city and with plans to leave the country, I found myself alone in bed reflecting on my choices. I was trying to stand, or actually lay still and try to feel emotions instead of just over run it. I have been searching, climbing, falling, falling hard, running, climbing again for too long and kind of found my spirit getting cooler. After being called a robot and with the reputation of being “strong”, also called emotionless, I realized I had to do something. Not into the direction of becoming an instable wreck and pity myself for everything, but just allow some feelings, fears and doubts to take space. There I was, alone in bed waiting for a sea of emotions to take over my mind. My mind that was ruling this ship for too long, rationalizing everything I experienced. Feeling was what I wanted. Slowly some feelings dared to take some steps. Feelings that are hard to describe, because to be described they have to go pass the gate way called your thoughts. And thoughts have the habits of adding their own perspective to these feelings. Lacking a better way to express feelings, the experience will be explained with words. There was something probably associated with fear, immediately followed by a feeling of acceptance. Something I would call loneliness or even emptiness. Slightly circling around my heart, not taking over, but like a little breeze. And it was fine, it was fine to feel and not to know what would be the best next step. So, I decided to leave...